After a pretty long while of fickle contemplation -- 

(if anyone should still be reading this page lacking maintenance)

This page is moved to:

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Stay gold 

xx

"The world takes us to a silver screen on which flickering images of passion and romance play, and as we watch, the world says, "This is love." God takes us to the foot of a tree on which a naked and bloodied man hangs and says, "This is love.""

Bits from home

Fed immensely well -- 

(Time flies in a strange way on days when I'm home)

Don't concern yourself with being right in others' eyes. And don't secretly hope that their lives will fall apart so that your opinion will be vindicated. Instead, concentrate on obeying God in your own life, and when possible, helping others to obey Him as well. You don't have to prove others wrong to continue on the course you know God has shown you.
- Joshua Harris, I Kissed Dating Goodbye: A New Attitude Toward Relationships and Romance

Garage

The storage boxes, the shelves

They're a little less full, a little less disorganized. 

I finally plucked out the motivation (the discipline to leave the kitchen for a little while) and opened these things I've left behind

Different boxes holding different tokens from my life, holding different things from the different phases, making it so recognizable when that box came about, which part of my life those little pieces and bits were collected.

Combed through the boxes holding different things: 

camp name tags, lanyards (I have plenty)  yearbooks, little notes, random gifts. I even found a huge box of price tags from the clothes I purchased, mind you

A whole drawer full of hair accessories that were necessities during all my years in ballet, boxes of postcards from all over the world-

But long story short I threw a whole bunch of things out. 

And it's funny because the whole reason why all these things were collected was because I thought keeping them physically was the only way of keeping a certain bit of the past in memory. 

I didn't even know I had a few hundred bobby pins, easily more than a dozen hairnets and a great deal of scrunchies and ribbons and fancy clips. It's crazy how my parents invested so much in me, and it breaks me a little to know I was not so invested in these, and just tucked them in a drawer. 

It was easier this time, throwing a lot of things out.

All that browsing through and sorting brought back a whole rush of memories and reminiscing. But being away and moving from a place to another has taught that you can't hold onto everything. You can't bring your box of collected price tags or lanyards with you. Those little stickers, the little notes. You can't pack them into your suitcase because of baggage constraint, because you pick clothes and books and letters more close to the heart instead. You won't bring your stash of everything because you soon realize you don't need it, and that you can live without it. 

So a great deal of things have been taken out. All those past bulletin books, camp schedules, etc etc. The little notes and cards and gifts got filtered from one box to another- marking how so many things have changed all this time, and these are things to keep. For little laughs, reminiscing of lessons, reflections of life all bittersweet. 

It was nice. A heartwarming kind of nice, walking through childhood once more. 

But I threw them out-- there needs to be more room for what's coming and in store. It feels good with more space in the shelves and drawers, if I may add. 

And not to worry. The bits of the past have a safe place in my head and my heart. 

"I want to know what you ache for. It doesn't interest me how old you are, I want to know if you are willing to risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive. I want to know if you can live with your failures, yours and mine. It doesn't interest me where you live or how rich you are, I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and be sweet to the ones you love. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and truly like the company you keep in the empty moments of your life." 

Some days

We all grow up. 

Being away for long, and then coming back has it's difference.

Kids who used to line up for piggy back rides and tickles are now running around and playing ball. They catch me glancing their way and from their expressions I see the neurons in their brains slowly click-- they finally recognize who the girl in the thick rimmed glasses is, and smile at the recognition, and wave. 

We -a boy who used to insist on following me home after Sunday School to play and I- meet halfway. I ask about school. He tells me he hates the homework and points out his new glasses. I tell him to soak it in, to enjoy the comfort of home and work towards greater things that are yet to come because every day spent is another day closer to being away from home; and no one told us that-- or at least we chose to shake it off our minds and shoulders, because we just didn't understand what that meant. 

He tells me he wants to grow up and that his glasses are a pain. I tell him I want to turn back to his age, and remind him again that that pair of glasses makes him no less handsome. 

I bite my tongue as I am about to start telling him of what's it's like being away from home and how life can be tough. Because probably right now at this point of his life tough would mean having to finish the endless piles of work, memorizing his spelling or needing to constantly push his glasses up his nose while playing football, while his friends push him around for being the only kid in glasses in class (I tell him glasses are now tools to make fashion statements, but he didn't look too convinced). Just like how we thought something was impossibly big and terrifying at some point of our lives, we soon come to see that it comes behind us. He will grow up and he will see, and he might handle things better than I did and do. Everyday, we grow up. 

So I tell him to take each day as it comes and wish him a good week. No exchange of bear hugs this time, because he's already a boy much more grown up than the last I saw him. There is this pang of unsettlement, because deep down I miss swinging him in the air and playing piggy back. 

But he's grown up now. 

This was all inspiring. Mildly heartbreaking (how selfish of me) but wholly thought provoking. Have I grown up too? By how much? Do I grow everyday? On whose strength? His, who made me, or mine? 

It's pretty exciting-- this journey that we're on. Uncertain in all it's ways; a test of faith. But exciting all the same. 

He is consistent in all life's inconsistencies 

& good where no goodness can be found 

Pastures

Today I had another taste of what being wrapped safe and secure in His hands felt like. It was dangerous, it was unconventional of days. But when He holds you and keeps you, you will never go drowning in deep waters alone. Or never will you fall apart when you crash fast and furious. 

Today would have been different without the undeserving support, patience and back up of a good friend and my family. Nothing is greater than having people to turn to who are willing to take you in times of the good and the bad & the ugly, with such grace. Which blew my mind away because if people could love me like how they did today and any other day (which is completely overwhelming), the grace He gives is then by comparison so immeasurably much more. Beyond what you and I can both comprehend. He is a God who hears, warns & protects. There is nothing greater than being loved even when it is undeserved. 

It could have been traumatizing. But He is the Prince of Peace. I sit here unscathed and can find no other words to say.

Mornings in & nights up

Preparing for war (finals)

"Can I say something to the young ladies here? I'm trying to pick my words carefully here. Your husband, whoever he is, single ladies, will have an unbelievable amount of influence over your sons and daughters in regards to spiritual things. If you want your children to love Jesus deeply, hold out for a man that is godly. And let me tell you this: I am well aware that godly men are rare. Lots of neat Christian boys, but not a lot of godly men. [...] don't settle, because it's better that you be lonely now than you be married and lonely later. Are you tracking with me? It is better that you be lonely now than for you to get married to a man that will teach your kids everything but the way of Jesus."

-- Matt Chandler

"Courage, dear heart."

Life has been history resurfacing at my doorstep, old lessons and principles being relived. Late nights, little hurdles, but good food, good company, little adventures. Never would I have seen myself studying and exploring in an airport (a phenomenon completely unheard of in Malaysia). Or never would I have gone walking around places as much as I have been lately. It's been exciting, how good friendships inspire. Even more so when friendships center Christ. How they allow you to thoroughly enjoy being your own person, and give you reason to explore into so much more.

The past few weeks have been crammed with project deadlines, occasional tests and countless presentations. And it means a big deal to me that I can finally say it's all done. And that I am a day nearer to going home after I get through finals for the coming semester break. I am thankful for how others have pushed me to press on and for how they go through each day with me, one day at a time.

I've learnt to keep looking forward to little things in every part of the day. To the completion of a presentation, the meeting of a friend, study sessions, a good bowl of Ban Mian (no one calls it pan mee here because. Singapore.), or Subway cookies. or Indian briyani.
But the point is -- It's so much more enjoyable living this way than waking up dreading the day. I've made occasional and repeated mistakes of frowning upon anticipated long days, but here's to less fretting, less whining, and more of giving praise for a life I was called to live, out of death from my sin, and more of embracing life, enjoying the presence of my Savior.

May we grow into our own skins each day. Soar and grow. May we only steer towards our Maker and not allow the lesser passions of this earth blind and take us away from the One we were made for.
May you realize that every breath you make is a breath you're allowed to take only because of God's grace. And may you see that you're never alone, because He never leaves nor forsakes.

Dew

Things to take delight in:
1. Mid-week days off of classes
2. A bar of chocolate giving completely satisfying hazelnut crunchiness with each bite
3. The heavy downpour here in Singapore the past two mornings
4. The sight of an old couple poking fun at each other in the kitchen, laughing really hard after
5. Friends, friends, friends both near and far

Jul 5

"When you grow up, you tend to get told that the world is the way it is and your life is just to live your life inside the world, try not to bash into the walls too much, try to have a nice family, have fun, save a little money. That's a very limited life. Life can be much broader, once you discover one simple fact, and that is that everything around you that you call life was made up by people that were no smarter than you. And you can change it, influence it, you can build your own things that other people can use.

Most people never pick up the phone, most people never ask. And that's what separates, sometimes, the people that do things from the people that just dream about them. You gotta act. And you gotta be willing to fail. If you're afraid of failing, you won't get very far.
The minute that you understand that you can poke life and actually something will, you know if you push in, something will pop out the other side, that you can change it, you can mold it. That's maybe the most important thing. It's to shake off this erroneous notion that life is there and you're just gonna live in it, versus embrace it, change it, improve it, make your mark upon it."

- Steve Jobs

To smell and to sigh

The pride of this Ipoh girl: Dim Sum, chick peas Mom makes, food at almost every corner wherever you go, irreplaceable company, & late nights of supper (especially instant noodles with eggs and sausages -- they can never go wrong)

Lush

_______________________

Thankful for a familiar face and the freedom to walk around, breathing in the sights of city lights and night life before the semester began. Classes have resumed. Projects are piling. Due dates are filling in my calendar on its own. The anticipation of greater challenge this term than the one before and missing home do not go well together,

but the privilege of having good company here never grows old.